Trigger warning: pregnancy loss & miscarriage
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Today I choose to share my journey through miscarriage, as I remember the little soul that decided it wasn’t time to enter our lives quite yet. Four weeks ago I had a miscarriage, I bled, I had contractions and I gave birth to our “little bean” who entered into the world protected in its yolk sac that was the size of a chicken egg.
This soul came to me in a meditation when I was just one week pregnant. Subconsciously I knew I was pregnant but waited another 3 weeks until I took the pregnancy test. When I seen that positive test I held my heart and womb and said thank you! I was elated, Brad was speechless and our families shed tears of so much joy. There was sooo much joy and celebration around this little soul.
At 9.5 weeks, I was just over coming being sick and to my surprise I started bleeding. When I woke up that morning I noticed a faint brown discharge after wiping. I thought to myself “that is strange” but wasn’t too concerned. By 7:00pm the discharge had turned to bright red spots and by 7:30pm my body was gushing with blood. I was faint, I could feel the clamminess come over my, my vision closing in and ears ringing loudly. I called my husband for help as I managed to make my way to the bathroom floor. I was going into shock. Brad called our midwife who advised us to go to the hospital. I was taken to the emergency room where I was told that our baby did not have a heart beat. The ultrasound confirmed I was miscarrying. The doctor gave me some pamphlets about miscarriage and told me that the early pregnancy loss clinic would be in touch with me to see how I was doing. What I didn’t realize was that in two days I would actually go into labour, have full on contractions and dilate to be able to give birth.
Two days of bleeding and passing blood clots, two days of cramping that would stop and start which turned into full on contractions and labour and 1 minute of sitting on the toilet going pee and our baby was born. In the moment of holding my 9.5 week old baby, free birthed at home, I felt such relief, empowerment and grief. Emotions flooded me for days and what helped me was to tell my story. This soul has helped me trust in my intuition and body even more than I could have ever imagined.
We were able to find comfort and closure through ceremony. Ceremony is apart of being able to release and heal. I made a beautiful burial box for our little one, comforted by dried sage, cedar, lavender, crystals and flowers. We held our baby, wrote a letter and signed it “love mom and dad” which crumbled me, placed its flesh into the soil and put it to rest where it’s soul can be free again.
I am so grateful for my husband who has held me during this time, for all of our family and friends who have grieved with us, for home cooked meals, long hugs and cries, back rubs, flowers and house cleaning. I’m also so grateful for the support of my birth sage (doula) and the many friends who held spaced for me to share what I was going through. I feel so passionate in sharing even though it can feel so vulnerable. If you have ever experienced this kind of loss my heart is with you and I hold space for that grief that will always reside and the tears that will come up unexpectedly at times. To all the angels that left too soon, I light a candle in your honour today and always.